you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
