pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
