im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
