Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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