I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
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