I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Boobs are out for the taking
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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