You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
