Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
BRING THE BAGELS
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Randomize
