he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
