Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
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...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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