You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
