omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
there's paper in my vomit.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
