Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
