highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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