I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
