I think my fart just growled at me.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
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I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
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