I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
