You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
