It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
