can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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