No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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