Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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