I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I look better un-naked...
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
