I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
