Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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