You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
