You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
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