she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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