WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
This house was built for laser tag.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
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Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
i've created a new STD.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
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Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
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