The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
