True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
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He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
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Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
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