you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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