proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
