I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
