If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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