then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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