Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
