I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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