I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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