This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
