New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
