I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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