i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
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