The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
