she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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