Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
zippers are such a cool invention
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
