why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
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