I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
