Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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