At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
