So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
How does one acquire holy water?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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