I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
