did you get engaged???
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
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the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
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On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?