I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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