I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often