i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested