Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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