that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
