the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
