i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
We left the knife in your bed.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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