I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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