I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
