She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
