You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
