Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize
