She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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